The clock strikes 6.

Kadalasan, my blogs are written down on facebook. Why? More people read it there. Those who I havent spoken to for a long time gets to be updated through the use of my facebook. I am almost always online there, and that kahit hindi na ako makipagchat or text sa kanila, they get to know whats latest on me.

I choose now to post this here. One because wala naman halos nagbabasa nito, if there would be, only a few friends who gets updated because of their blogspot accounts, and those who I asked to read.

I choose to post this here, bakit? Its an overrated issue, which no matter how I want to get over it, TIME will heal.

Today is his niece's birthday. For awhile, rieley became one of my favorites. Yaya niya ako halos pag weekends. Taga patulog, paligo, padede, bantay etc. I miss her actually. At kahit sobrang gusto kong pumunta sa birthday ni rieley at invited naman ako, i choose not to, to avoid issues.
Somehow its true, when the pain starts to fade, you start to think about a million sort of things. Your life, and how it is different from before. Malaki siya actually, but hindi ko maideny sa sarili ko, na tanga pa din ako. and yes, the feeling does not go that easily.
Napapatanong pa din ako sa sarili ko, bakit? It seems that I do not get satisfied everytime I ask that, kasi hindi bakit ang sinasagot niya saken, kundi paano. Paano? He just fell out of love and thats it. I want to find out the reason why, I know this is the reason why until this very moment, hindi ko pa siya kayang harapin. I am too afraid I'll cry, I am too afraid I will miss him more. I am too afraid that I will start blaming myself again for my failed 7 year relationship.

7 freaking years. 7 years that seems so freakin hard to forget.

I went to Valero this afternoon to have a good study. I stood in front of 7-11 across OT bar, where he stood years ago under the rain waiting for me to go home with him. I did not, I was too engrossed with the fun times I had with my friends, that I forgot there was him caring for me too much that I have hurted him. Makasalanan ang Antel para saken, it is because this was the time I started shaking our relationship down. I was too selfish to think na may nagaantay, nagmamahal, nagmamalasakit.

Before I went home, I took a stop at a familiar street down in San Dionisio. I had no intentions of going down, gusto ko lang sumilip, I wanted to see even just a figure of him on the street. Wala, malinis ang el fili, walang tao sa labas ng mga bahay. Unlike during afternoons, where kids play at the middle of the narrow street, and some old folks sitting on benches, talking about every person who passes by infront of them.

Namimiss ko na din ang amoy. May nakasalubong pa akong amoy downy. Amoy niya un e. Kahit bulgari blue pag naamoy ko sa kapatid ko para akong nagfflash back. Pabango niya yun, sa loob loob ko lang.

Namiss ko rin yung dati. When pag may occassion I was obliged to come. Super obliged. Kahit namatay yata ang kuko ng kapitbahay niya ay kailangan kong pumunta. I remembered once I failed to go to his father's birthday. Matagal niyang dinamdam yun. Naging issue pa nga yun e. Gusto niya lagi akong present, lagi akong andun. Pag wala ako namimiss niya ako.

So on my way home, I started recalling the old times. When I hangout in his room doing nothing, but exchanging stories with him. Talking about issues, problems and the like. When he used to begged me to stay para makinood ng dvd sa kanila. When he used to ask me to go with him to a friend's birthday. When he used to kulit me to go home for out of the country kasi he missed me. Sayang, I did not save any of his messages. I deleted them all. Sana pala nagtira ako.

Alam ko one day, I will forget how it feels to be with him. Oo naman, nakakamiss lang. Sa totoo lang, natatakot din ako na wala na akong makikitang ganung chemistry with him. Mahirap kasi talaga maghanap ng ganun. One reason why inspite of and despite of, I choose to remain single. It is not because I compare him to all the other guys, it is just because I want to have the same chemistry. Yung kahit wala kaming ginagawa, nakatitig lang sa kawalan, pero alam mo na yung kahawak kamay mo, anjan parati para sayo. Yung katabi mo best friend mo, na kahit hibla ng buhok mo kilala ka. Nakatawa, sa tingin ko after 6 months of being away from him after 7 years, I still know what he smells like, his room looks like, how fat his cheeks are, his scar on his arm. Funny kasi kahit sa pics ni rieley kahit kamay lang, I can tell if its him, kahit legs lang nasasabi ko kung siya o hindi siya. Namimiss ko yung ganun, yung alam ko kung anong magiging reaction niya sa bawat bagay na makikita at maririnig niya.

Kaya nga pinili ko din na hindi magpakita sa birthday ni rieley, kasi alam ko na pagdating ko dun, wala din naman akong kausap, siyempre hindi naman kami magpapansinan.

I have lots of questions in my mind actually that I choose also to remain silent about it. Kung tapos na, tapos na. Bahala na si Lord. Let destiny takes it course. Ang alam ko lang, one reason why kahit ang daming nangyari hindi ko magawang magalit, its because my 7 years with him is one of the greatest, marami talaga akong natutunan. and hating him would make me hate myself. Kasi yung 7 years na yun, dun ako naging stronger person, natutong magmahal, naging mas open sa iba, naging generous, naging special. and yes, kahit anong mangyari in the future its one of the times I was loved and learned how to love. Talaga naman, kahit yata sa pagtanda ko, all those memories, and him, siguro will always have a special place in my heart.

amen. hehe. =P