I was cleaning up my room as the 2nd term of law school closes when I realized that it is almost time to change my calendar. Time flew so fast that it blew me as a surprise realizing that 2009 was almost over. Its time to move on now, time to change.
I am counting the days til the 21st, mainly because I am preparing for a huge christmas party for my brods and sisses. Since majority of the program is dependent on my creative prowess, I feel that when this event blows, it would be mostly my fault. No one's gonna blame me though, I like lang to make it really something special. Bigla akong nagpause. 21? anong meron sa 21?
Biglang, "ay." wahahhaa. Opposite what happened last year, on december 21st, today I anticipate it to be extra fun- really fun. Shucks, one year na pala yun. December 21, 2008 was one what I would consider a cloudy day of my life. Last year, I was on a Christmas party with my blockmates in Redbox Greenbelt, almost crying, terribly heartbroken. Kaya naisip ko tuloy, 21 nanaman, Christmas party nanaman, dapat ba akong maganticipate ng something to cry on again? Or.. should I celebrate the day I learned to be alone?
What 2009 was for me was a year of pretty much learning to be on my own. On my own to go shopping, go to church.. Basically, one year, when my heart had to stop beating for another, and had to start beating for itself. The year when everything was about me. For the past years, masyado akong selfless, puro sa iba na lang. Its time to be selfish, I wanted to be happy, and I learned how to make myself one.
What I learned in 2009...
1) Going church alone. - I am one of the people sa mundo na hindi kayang tumagal ng walang kausap. I talk a lot. Everybody knows that. alot-lot. Compared before, when I go to church holding hands with another- (they call it simbang labas, hahaha kasi sa labas lang ng andrews) today going to church is going hand in hand with the lord. 1 hour lang un tuwing Sunday na walang ka-share si God sa time ko. I only talk to him and no one else.
2) Go shopping alone. - Well, ginagawa ko naman sha dati. Pero meron akong kasamang matiyaga magshopping with me before. Now, mas maganda pala talaga na ikaw lang. Mas marami kang nakikitang nice for you. Walang nagccriticize ng super short skirt na napili mo. Walang magsasabing ang baba naman ng neckline yan. You get to choose what you want. I get to spend all my money on me. On shoes and clothes I want. Walang ka share. Yey. hahaha! :))
3.) Tumagal sa bahay. - Funny, on weekends, pagdating ko galing school, minsan ako lang at si ate eden sa bahay. My brother will be with his GF, and my mom will be with his boyfriend. Aasarin ako ni ate eden, so ikaw lang ang andito, halatang single. hahaha. :)) Oo, ako lang, bakit ba? Manonood ako ng tv, magbabasa ako kasi may pasok ako sa corpo bukas! hahahha! :)) I learned how to use my time on things that matters most- like corpo, sleeping and watching the news. hahhaa. :)
4.) Maghibernate- Remember late this year, I decided to hibernate from facebook and everyone else. Final stage na yata yun ng recovery ko. Akalain mong ang tagal ng nakasked nung Christmas Party sa 21 e ngayon ko lang naisip na anniversary ko pala un. hahhaa. :)) Pag weekdays, you can find me lang talaga, sa bahay, in my room or sa study room, or sa school, sa OSA, nanggugulo. Yun lang.
5) Gained and realized that I am loved- by my friends. - One of the special things I learned is that I am very much loved by my friends. Thats everyone- Mga kababata ko, katuray, college, iweb, lawschool friends etc. When I was recovering, lahat sila andun para saken. Isang text ko lang pag naiiyak na ako, they all rush to my side. I did not need anyone else to make me feel loved. Sila lang tama masaya na ako. Happy heart, sabi ni kaye. And though I havent seen most of them for the longest time, love ko yang mga yan no. <3 no doubt about it. And I am very thankful for everyone for being part of the process. Madrama man sha, maraming down times, but nonetheless, you are all still there making me feel na hindi naman talaga ako magisa sa world. There's a lot willing to give me love that I deserve. <3
6) The family. - Madalas kong pasakitin ang ulo ng nanay ko 7 years ago, when I decided to fall in love. Pero now, pag merong tao jan, lagi ko nalang cinoconsider na dapat okay kay mommy. Pag hindi, ayoko na. hahhaha. :)) seriously, I grew to be choosy. Ang unang criteria, responsible ba? tapos meron na akong long list of questions sa sarili ko. Tapos pag merong no na isa, will I be willing to compromise it? Okay lang kaya kay mommy? Kay Fugly? Pag alam kong hindi, ah okay. wag na. Bigyan ko man ng problema ang nanay ko sa ibang bagay na lang, wag na jan. hahaha. :)) (Nagsawa din, hahah) And I grew much closer to my little bro. He used to be hmm, some kinda disappointed with me dahil lagi kaming nagaaway ni mommy. Ngayon, magaway man kami, about ourselves na lang, not about other people. Kaya now, alam ko na rin ung mga iba niyang kalokohan sa buhay which before, he never really shared.
7) Myself.- Hindi na ko selfless. hahaha. selfish na ako. :P Yun lang. I got to discover what I want, what I like, what I am really. I got to have more time to focus on law school, to dream of the future, to establish my goals, on my own. Mas maraming time para maging vain. Yun yun e. hahhaa. :)) And last for this list, pag inlove ka, ang important ay yung masaya ka, hindi yung masaya sha. :) Kasi ikaw un e. :)
So far, yung akala kong impossible na mangyari, ay nangyari. Back a year ago, I thought magiging miserable ako. Sabi ko pa nga, dapat bago mag one year meron na akong bago. Kamusta ka, okay naman palang wala muna. Though I miss having someone on my side, I got pretty much successful on being single. :)
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I pretended to be tough, but it was not enough
I like to rush things. I am impatient. I cannot wait. That is the typical me. I have a pretty weak emotional threshold, I cry easily. I have a tendency to be super sensitive. I hate discomfort, and especially one thing I hate the most, emotional trouble.
I saw some pictures over facebook which I was not supposed to see. Or maybe, I am meant to see, but it was not just the right time. For months now, I choose to be open about my emotional rollercoaster, but yet on some days, I hate it to be showing. On my own, napipikon na din ako for feeling this way many months after, and I especially thought that is quite unfair on my part to be easily forgotten, a few months after a long time of being in a relationship.
On some days I give up and tell myself, "tama na." but on some days, I catch myself driving thinking about all those times, and dropping a tear once again. As much as I wanted to stop thinking about it, I cannot fully. As an elder say it, "tama na yan, move on." It seems so easy to say, but triple time hard to do.
So again for the last attempt, I went off facebook once again. Its actually the easiest solution to everything, taking it out to avoid temptations. Taking it out to avoid his friends. Taking it out to finally put a period on it. FORGET.
So, friends the next time you check your facebook. My name may not appear. Who knows if it would be a permanent or a temporary solution to everything. But as I see it, its the easiest way to get away.
I saw some pictures over facebook which I was not supposed to see. Or maybe, I am meant to see, but it was not just the right time. For months now, I choose to be open about my emotional rollercoaster, but yet on some days, I hate it to be showing. On my own, napipikon na din ako for feeling this way many months after, and I especially thought that is quite unfair on my part to be easily forgotten, a few months after a long time of being in a relationship.
On some days I give up and tell myself, "tama na." but on some days, I catch myself driving thinking about all those times, and dropping a tear once again. As much as I wanted to stop thinking about it, I cannot fully. As an elder say it, "tama na yan, move on." It seems so easy to say, but triple time hard to do.
So again for the last attempt, I went off facebook once again. Its actually the easiest solution to everything, taking it out to avoid temptations. Taking it out to avoid his friends. Taking it out to finally put a period on it. FORGET.
So, friends the next time you check your facebook. My name may not appear. Who knows if it would be a permanent or a temporary solution to everything. But as I see it, its the easiest way to get away.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
disabled on facebook
For a week now, wild ang mood ko. more than usual, mainit ang ulo ko. Madalas naman talagang mainit ang ulo ko, its more often lang talaga ngayon.
I wont name names, but I hate it when some friend of yours puts you in great trouble. Okay so here it goes,
A couple of months ago, upon admission to Lex Centurion Confraternity I was asked to handle a project, to produce Frat Jackets for the Bar. I think it was about June when I was told they are assigning me for that project. I approached one of mom's long time friend, a person virtually I treated as my second mom, she agreed to do it for me. I became somehow excited about it and started searching online for designs, and having them approved by seniors of the organization. Actually, mahirap pala siya, kasi i have to organize everything. From the designs, sizes and all that. So comes to production, nakakainis kasi i did not know how to do it, i mean, i do not know how from scratch it will end up as a jacket, so mom's friend and I agreed that she will be "producing" it.
So ayun, when I left for Bicol last week, most of the "to-be-assembled" jackets were delivered to her. I talked to her and asked if it was feasible that the jackets will be done by Saturday, or at least half of it. She confidently said yes.
Afterwhich, I went on my vacation in Bicol, following up everyday the status of the jackets. I was never informed that there was a delay of some sort, for I had given my 100% confidence that it will be half done on the weekend.
When I came in from Bicol, I went straight from the airport to school and asked mom to check on it, Before lunchtime, I received a disappointing call from my mom saying that out of the 50 jackets I left to have made, only 2 was done.
I almost collapsed. So anong mukhang ihaharap ko sa mga brods and sis ko ngayon? I was not only frustrated, but more of disappointed because of the fact that a person who I thought was my second mother dared to betray me in such note.
Honestly, now, I do not know how I can ever face her. I have too much hate, just like the hate I had months ago. Nabawasan na nga yung sa isa, dumagdag naman ung sa isa. Sometimes, I ask God if this is a way of him to make me think that not all people I love loves me the same as I do to them. I cannot choose who to love, do you? i mean isnt that a feeling that just comes without warning? I wish one day I could comprehend the terrible losses I have this year. And that, one day, these losses would be rewarded by something great.
Nakakainis actually. Sabi ko nga, who else will God take away from my path? Can they just go now? Para hindi recurring yung feeling, para isahan lang.
I do not blame God for inflicting me this pain. I blame the people who choose to go. I just want to ask him why did they cross my path anyways?
Naiirita kasi ako sa facebook. I do not know, maybe its my mood. I so wanted to be away for awhile so that I would think thoroughly of everything that has happened. Pag sinipag ako, e d maglagay ulit. But for now, its better for me to stay away for awhile.
I wont name names, but I hate it when some friend of yours puts you in great trouble. Okay so here it goes,
A couple of months ago, upon admission to Lex Centurion Confraternity I was asked to handle a project, to produce Frat Jackets for the Bar. I think it was about June when I was told they are assigning me for that project. I approached one of mom's long time friend, a person virtually I treated as my second mom, she agreed to do it for me. I became somehow excited about it and started searching online for designs, and having them approved by seniors of the organization. Actually, mahirap pala siya, kasi i have to organize everything. From the designs, sizes and all that. So comes to production, nakakainis kasi i did not know how to do it, i mean, i do not know how from scratch it will end up as a jacket, so mom's friend and I agreed that she will be "producing" it.
So ayun, when I left for Bicol last week, most of the "to-be-assembled" jackets were delivered to her. I talked to her and asked if it was feasible that the jackets will be done by Saturday, or at least half of it. She confidently said yes.
Afterwhich, I went on my vacation in Bicol, following up everyday the status of the jackets. I was never informed that there was a delay of some sort, for I had given my 100% confidence that it will be half done on the weekend.
When I came in from Bicol, I went straight from the airport to school and asked mom to check on it, Before lunchtime, I received a disappointing call from my mom saying that out of the 50 jackets I left to have made, only 2 was done.
I almost collapsed. So anong mukhang ihaharap ko sa mga brods and sis ko ngayon? I was not only frustrated, but more of disappointed because of the fact that a person who I thought was my second mother dared to betray me in such note.
Honestly, now, I do not know how I can ever face her. I have too much hate, just like the hate I had months ago. Nabawasan na nga yung sa isa, dumagdag naman ung sa isa. Sometimes, I ask God if this is a way of him to make me think that not all people I love loves me the same as I do to them. I cannot choose who to love, do you? i mean isnt that a feeling that just comes without warning? I wish one day I could comprehend the terrible losses I have this year. And that, one day, these losses would be rewarded by something great.
Nakakainis actually. Sabi ko nga, who else will God take away from my path? Can they just go now? Para hindi recurring yung feeling, para isahan lang.
I do not blame God for inflicting me this pain. I blame the people who choose to go. I just want to ask him why did they cross my path anyways?
Naiirita kasi ako sa facebook. I do not know, maybe its my mood. I so wanted to be away for awhile so that I would think thoroughly of everything that has happened. Pag sinipag ako, e d maglagay ulit. But for now, its better for me to stay away for awhile.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I love these! My favorites!
I was scanning through my pics and realized that there are alot of them i should love. And I realized that there are a million things I should be thankful for.. ( i actually got this idea from my cousins blog, and its fun. =))
Our last block retreat in Tagaytay. This was when yanni, mia and cris danced wildly while we all sleep because they were too drunk of too much vodka. Freakin memorable.
December 21, 2008. The day na nagbreak kami ni ex. Napansin yata ni Anthony na gloomy ako, kaya nung nagrequest ako ng "knocks me off my feet" e kahit pagod na shang kumanta forever ay pinagbigyan pa din ako. Thats the only moment this day, I smiled na hindi fake. =)
doris' bday. first time I bonded with my blockmates. masaya. promise. hehe. and the first i conquered my fear towards Atty. Diloy. haha. =)
Kaye's car...
Dorothy: Kaye, my earrings fell..
Kaye: E di hanapin mo, kapain mo lng jan. anjan lang yan sa ilalim.
Dorothy: (kapa) aun. Ay, bigas pala.
whahhahah! getting drunk with the katurays during dor's grad!
Karen: Sinong katext mo?
John: Si jandy, bakit selos ka?
Karen: Akin na pahinging number para matext na katabi mo ko ngayon.
bwaahahha!
Reunion nung umuwi si ate jeb from dubai! of course i missed her!
NO need for further explanation. Its just that I caught mom goofin around and dancing. she never dance. and she has a pretty stiff dancing technique.
Just because this is my first valentines (in 7 years) that I am single, and I had theo and reena to be with me in one of my down times. I love you both sooo much! =D
Everyone was suppose to be sad on this picture, but well, i as pasaway, e prumoject pa din. well, well. =) kelangan talaga magpacute ako. =)
Dr. Love (Ryan Ko) was super hyper that night, and he made my day by dancing outrageously with his gf, joplex. ( sayang walang pic yun)
I love this because this is stolen, but its still a nice pic. hahaa. =D
This was taken Dec 18, 2008 when I choose to go to the Katuray Xmas party instead of having dinner with my ex, kasi anniversary namen. Why memorable? I am glad I choose this. =)
Its the darkest.. ever I've been. Errrr...
Bukod sa this event was the reason why I failed civpro, its also the fattest i've been. buti nlng pumayat na ko. hahaha. =))
Sonia! my favorite inaanak! =)
do i need to explain this?? this is freakin hilarious! hahahah!
macky!
hahah!
*awwww* the couple i am praying to be together forever.
i love you, kuya pao and ate selle! =)
rieley! kiss! just because she is really my favorite. how i miss her!
this is when I got really drunk na halos gapangin ko na papuntang kwarto. hahaa. =D
and this is seriously funny! no need for explanations!
waaahhaahh!
puerto 2007
of course i love this.
this is super funny!
gayest ever! =))
iweb office, tycoon center, ortigas.
malamang gusto ko tong pic na to! uber funny! hahahha! =D
another night I got uber drunk.
yes.. tagaytay.
tagaytay 2006
because we were trying to mend things amongst ourselves.
away-away kuno na nauwi sa inuman.
this photo is taken in a place where I cannot be in again for the rest of my life. =)
if you find yourself in these pics, i am pretty sure, special ka din.
imagine, i have a fond memory with you. =)
Our last block retreat in Tagaytay. This was when yanni, mia and cris danced wildly while we all sleep because they were too drunk of too much vodka. Freakin memorable.
December 21, 2008. The day na nagbreak kami ni ex. Napansin yata ni Anthony na gloomy ako, kaya nung nagrequest ako ng "knocks me off my feet" e kahit pagod na shang kumanta forever ay pinagbigyan pa din ako. Thats the only moment this day, I smiled na hindi fake. =)
doris' bday. first time I bonded with my blockmates. masaya. promise. hehe. and the first i conquered my fear towards Atty. Diloy. haha. =)
Kaye's car...Dorothy: Kaye, my earrings fell..
Kaye: E di hanapin mo, kapain mo lng jan. anjan lang yan sa ilalim.
Dorothy: (kapa) aun. Ay, bigas pala.
whahhahah! getting drunk with the katurays during dor's grad!
Karen: Sinong katext mo?
John: Si jandy, bakit selos ka?
Karen: Akin na pahinging number para matext na katabi mo ko ngayon.
bwaahahha!
Reunion nung umuwi si ate jeb from dubai! of course i missed her!
NO need for further explanation. Its just that I caught mom goofin around and dancing. she never dance. and she has a pretty stiff dancing technique.
Just because this is my first valentines (in 7 years) that I am single, and I had theo and reena to be with me in one of my down times. I love you both sooo much! =D
Everyone was suppose to be sad on this picture, but well, i as pasaway, e prumoject pa din. well, well. =) kelangan talaga magpacute ako. =)
Dr. Love (Ryan Ko) was super hyper that night, and he made my day by dancing outrageously with his gf, joplex. ( sayang walang pic yun)
I love this because this is stolen, but its still a nice pic. hahaa. =D
This was taken Dec 18, 2008 when I choose to go to the Katuray Xmas party instead of having dinner with my ex, kasi anniversary namen. Why memorable? I am glad I choose this. =)
Its the darkest.. ever I've been. Errrr...
Bukod sa this event was the reason why I failed civpro, its also the fattest i've been. buti nlng pumayat na ko. hahaha. =))
Sonia! my favorite inaanak! =)
do i need to explain this?? this is freakin hilarious! hahahah!macky!
hahah!
*awwww* the couple i am praying to be together forever.i love you, kuya pao and ate selle! =)
rieley! kiss! just because she is really my favorite. how i miss her!
this is when I got really drunk na halos gapangin ko na papuntang kwarto. hahaa. =D
and this is seriously funny! no need for explanations!
waaahhaahh!
puerto 2007
of course i love this.this is super funny!
gayest ever! =))
iweb office, tycoon center, ortigas.
malamang gusto ko tong pic na to! uber funny! hahahha! =D
another night I got uber drunk.
yes.. tagaytay.
tagaytay 2006
because we were trying to mend things amongst ourselves.away-away kuno na nauwi sa inuman.
this photo is taken in a place where I cannot be in again for the rest of my life. =)if you find yourself in these pics, i am pretty sure, special ka din.
imagine, i have a fond memory with you. =)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Control. Argh.
I usually hate it when I lose control. I do not consider myself a control freak, but its because when I am into something, I usually do that something to the extent of what I can, want and like.
Last night, I slept super late from chatting and typing mom's affidavit. Do not get me wrong, I like typing affidavits and the like, of course, its the profession I chose to pursue. Minsan, nakakainis lang when in the middle of your fuzz in life, someone enters my room and instructs me a million things she should be doing.
Hindi naman sa galit. But I do not really take orders from anyone. The only order I can quite tolerate doing is my mom's and my bros which are not really orders but are lambings. I could not resist it, basta saken, ayoko ng hassle. As long as I want to be doing it, hindi siya hassle, but once you see me doing another thing, DONT, put your work on me. Trust me, I will be hating it.
I am not blaming anyone pero, asar lang, in the first place, the reason why I am typing this affidavits its because of you. And do not give me much of your errands. argh. I have my own.
NEXT thing, Have you ever done something that is a complete opposite of your principles?
I hate a lot of things; smoking, gambling, prostitution and ______. well, hulaan niyo na lang yang blank. For those who knows me, alam niyo yang blank na yan.
In relation to what I was talking about earlier, isa pa to. One of the things that placed a lot of pressure on my shoulders right now is this. The whole sense of this what-not that until now, I do not seem to understand. But I guess I am tied, sa buong buhay ko, there are only 2 things I have done na ayoko talaga; 1) this thing and 2) let go of my 7 years.
Ang hirap pala when you go out of your comfort zone. Hell, nowadays, I can never travel without a car, I must admit. Parang kulang ang buhay ko. It seems like I did not take my bag with me, or left my phone, or went out naked. Basta. Kulang.
Naiirita ako kasi i am slowly getting to go out and try new things. Pero sana I get used to this. Soon. Para naman maging tao na ko. hahhaa. At hindi na island, gaya ng sabi ni momi. haha. =D
Last night, I slept super late from chatting and typing mom's affidavit. Do not get me wrong, I like typing affidavits and the like, of course, its the profession I chose to pursue. Minsan, nakakainis lang when in the middle of your fuzz in life, someone enters my room and instructs me a million things she should be doing.
Hindi naman sa galit. But I do not really take orders from anyone. The only order I can quite tolerate doing is my mom's and my bros which are not really orders but are lambings. I could not resist it, basta saken, ayoko ng hassle. As long as I want to be doing it, hindi siya hassle, but once you see me doing another thing, DONT, put your work on me. Trust me, I will be hating it.
I am not blaming anyone pero, asar lang, in the first place, the reason why I am typing this affidavits its because of you. And do not give me much of your errands. argh. I have my own.
NEXT thing, Have you ever done something that is a complete opposite of your principles?
I hate a lot of things; smoking, gambling, prostitution and ______. well, hulaan niyo na lang yang blank. For those who knows me, alam niyo yang blank na yan.
In relation to what I was talking about earlier, isa pa to. One of the things that placed a lot of pressure on my shoulders right now is this. The whole sense of this what-not that until now, I do not seem to understand. But I guess I am tied, sa buong buhay ko, there are only 2 things I have done na ayoko talaga; 1) this thing and 2) let go of my 7 years.
Ang hirap pala when you go out of your comfort zone. Hell, nowadays, I can never travel without a car, I must admit. Parang kulang ang buhay ko. It seems like I did not take my bag with me, or left my phone, or went out naked. Basta. Kulang.
Naiirita ako kasi i am slowly getting to go out and try new things. Pero sana I get used to this. Soon. Para naman maging tao na ko. hahhaa. At hindi na island, gaya ng sabi ni momi. haha. =D
Friday, June 12, 2009
The clock strikes 6.
Kadalasan, my blogs are written down on facebook. Why? More people read it there. Those who I havent spoken to for a long time gets to be updated through the use of my facebook. I am almost always online there, and that kahit hindi na ako makipagchat or text sa kanila, they get to know whats latest on me.
I choose now to post this here. One because wala naman halos nagbabasa nito, if there would be, only a few friends who gets updated because of their blogspot accounts, and those who I asked to read.
I choose to post this here, bakit? Its an overrated issue, which no matter how I want to get over it, TIME will heal.
Today is his niece's birthday. For awhile, rieley became one of my favorites. Yaya niya ako halos pag weekends. Taga patulog, paligo, padede, bantay etc. I miss her actually. At kahit sobrang gusto kong pumunta sa birthday ni rieley at invited naman ako, i choose not to, to avoid issues.
Somehow its true, when the pain starts to fade, you start to think about a million sort of things. Your life, and how it is different from before. Malaki siya actually, but hindi ko maideny sa sarili ko, na tanga pa din ako. and yes, the feeling does not go that easily.
Napapatanong pa din ako sa sarili ko, bakit? It seems that I do not get satisfied everytime I ask that, kasi hindi bakit ang sinasagot niya saken, kundi paano. Paano? He just fell out of love and thats it. I want to find out the reason why, I know this is the reason why until this very moment, hindi ko pa siya kayang harapin. I am too afraid I'll cry, I am too afraid I will miss him more. I am too afraid that I will start blaming myself again for my failed 7 year relationship.
7 freaking years. 7 years that seems so freakin hard to forget.
I went to Valero this afternoon to have a good study. I stood in front of 7-11 across OT bar, where he stood years ago under the rain waiting for me to go home with him. I did not, I was too engrossed with the fun times I had with my friends, that I forgot there was him caring for me too much that I have hurted him. Makasalanan ang Antel para saken, it is because this was the time I started shaking our relationship down. I was too selfish to think na may nagaantay, nagmamahal, nagmamalasakit.
Before I went home, I took a stop at a familiar street down in San Dionisio. I had no intentions of going down, gusto ko lang sumilip, I wanted to see even just a figure of him on the street. Wala, malinis ang el fili, walang tao sa labas ng mga bahay. Unlike during afternoons, where kids play at the middle of the narrow street, and some old folks sitting on benches, talking about every person who passes by infront of them.
Namimiss ko na din ang amoy. May nakasalubong pa akong amoy downy. Amoy niya un e. Kahit bulgari blue pag naamoy ko sa kapatid ko para akong nagfflash back. Pabango niya yun, sa loob loob ko lang.
Namiss ko rin yung dati. When pag may occassion I was obliged to come. Super obliged. Kahit namatay yata ang kuko ng kapitbahay niya ay kailangan kong pumunta. I remembered once I failed to go to his father's birthday. Matagal niyang dinamdam yun. Naging issue pa nga yun e. Gusto niya lagi akong present, lagi akong andun. Pag wala ako namimiss niya ako.
So on my way home, I started recalling the old times. When I hangout in his room doing nothing, but exchanging stories with him. Talking about issues, problems and the like. When he used to begged me to stay para makinood ng dvd sa kanila. When he used to ask me to go with him to a friend's birthday. When he used to kulit me to go home for out of the country kasi he missed me. Sayang, I did not save any of his messages. I deleted them all. Sana pala nagtira ako.
Alam ko one day, I will forget how it feels to be with him. Oo naman, nakakamiss lang. Sa totoo lang, natatakot din ako na wala na akong makikitang ganung chemistry with him. Mahirap kasi talaga maghanap ng ganun. One reason why inspite of and despite of, I choose to remain single. It is not because I compare him to all the other guys, it is just because I want to have the same chemistry. Yung kahit wala kaming ginagawa, nakatitig lang sa kawalan, pero alam mo na yung kahawak kamay mo, anjan parati para sayo. Yung katabi mo best friend mo, na kahit hibla ng buhok mo kilala ka. Nakatawa, sa tingin ko after 6 months of being away from him after 7 years, I still know what he smells like, his room looks like, how fat his cheeks are, his scar on his arm. Funny kasi kahit sa pics ni rieley kahit kamay lang, I can tell if its him, kahit legs lang nasasabi ko kung siya o hindi siya. Namimiss ko yung ganun, yung alam ko kung anong magiging reaction niya sa bawat bagay na makikita at maririnig niya.
Kaya nga pinili ko din na hindi magpakita sa birthday ni rieley, kasi alam ko na pagdating ko dun, wala din naman akong kausap, siyempre hindi naman kami magpapansinan.
I have lots of questions in my mind actually that I choose also to remain silent about it. Kung tapos na, tapos na. Bahala na si Lord. Let destiny takes it course. Ang alam ko lang, one reason why kahit ang daming nangyari hindi ko magawang magalit, its because my 7 years with him is one of the greatest, marami talaga akong natutunan. and hating him would make me hate myself. Kasi yung 7 years na yun, dun ako naging stronger person, natutong magmahal, naging mas open sa iba, naging generous, naging special. and yes, kahit anong mangyari in the future its one of the times I was loved and learned how to love. Talaga naman, kahit yata sa pagtanda ko, all those memories, and him, siguro will always have a special place in my heart.
amen. hehe. =P
I choose now to post this here. One because wala naman halos nagbabasa nito, if there would be, only a few friends who gets updated because of their blogspot accounts, and those who I asked to read.
I choose to post this here, bakit? Its an overrated issue, which no matter how I want to get over it, TIME will heal.
Today is his niece's birthday. For awhile, rieley became one of my favorites. Yaya niya ako halos pag weekends. Taga patulog, paligo, padede, bantay etc. I miss her actually. At kahit sobrang gusto kong pumunta sa birthday ni rieley at invited naman ako, i choose not to, to avoid issues.
Somehow its true, when the pain starts to fade, you start to think about a million sort of things. Your life, and how it is different from before. Malaki siya actually, but hindi ko maideny sa sarili ko, na tanga pa din ako. and yes, the feeling does not go that easily.
Napapatanong pa din ako sa sarili ko, bakit? It seems that I do not get satisfied everytime I ask that, kasi hindi bakit ang sinasagot niya saken, kundi paano. Paano? He just fell out of love and thats it. I want to find out the reason why, I know this is the reason why until this very moment, hindi ko pa siya kayang harapin. I am too afraid I'll cry, I am too afraid I will miss him more. I am too afraid that I will start blaming myself again for my failed 7 year relationship.
7 freaking years. 7 years that seems so freakin hard to forget.
I went to Valero this afternoon to have a good study. I stood in front of 7-11 across OT bar, where he stood years ago under the rain waiting for me to go home with him. I did not, I was too engrossed with the fun times I had with my friends, that I forgot there was him caring for me too much that I have hurted him. Makasalanan ang Antel para saken, it is because this was the time I started shaking our relationship down. I was too selfish to think na may nagaantay, nagmamahal, nagmamalasakit.
Before I went home, I took a stop at a familiar street down in San Dionisio. I had no intentions of going down, gusto ko lang sumilip, I wanted to see even just a figure of him on the street. Wala, malinis ang el fili, walang tao sa labas ng mga bahay. Unlike during afternoons, where kids play at the middle of the narrow street, and some old folks sitting on benches, talking about every person who passes by infront of them.
Namimiss ko na din ang amoy. May nakasalubong pa akong amoy downy. Amoy niya un e. Kahit bulgari blue pag naamoy ko sa kapatid ko para akong nagfflash back. Pabango niya yun, sa loob loob ko lang.
Namiss ko rin yung dati. When pag may occassion I was obliged to come. Super obliged. Kahit namatay yata ang kuko ng kapitbahay niya ay kailangan kong pumunta. I remembered once I failed to go to his father's birthday. Matagal niyang dinamdam yun. Naging issue pa nga yun e. Gusto niya lagi akong present, lagi akong andun. Pag wala ako namimiss niya ako.
So on my way home, I started recalling the old times. When I hangout in his room doing nothing, but exchanging stories with him. Talking about issues, problems and the like. When he used to begged me to stay para makinood ng dvd sa kanila. When he used to ask me to go with him to a friend's birthday. When he used to kulit me to go home for out of the country kasi he missed me. Sayang, I did not save any of his messages. I deleted them all. Sana pala nagtira ako.
Alam ko one day, I will forget how it feels to be with him. Oo naman, nakakamiss lang. Sa totoo lang, natatakot din ako na wala na akong makikitang ganung chemistry with him. Mahirap kasi talaga maghanap ng ganun. One reason why inspite of and despite of, I choose to remain single. It is not because I compare him to all the other guys, it is just because I want to have the same chemistry. Yung kahit wala kaming ginagawa, nakatitig lang sa kawalan, pero alam mo na yung kahawak kamay mo, anjan parati para sayo. Yung katabi mo best friend mo, na kahit hibla ng buhok mo kilala ka. Nakatawa, sa tingin ko after 6 months of being away from him after 7 years, I still know what he smells like, his room looks like, how fat his cheeks are, his scar on his arm. Funny kasi kahit sa pics ni rieley kahit kamay lang, I can tell if its him, kahit legs lang nasasabi ko kung siya o hindi siya. Namimiss ko yung ganun, yung alam ko kung anong magiging reaction niya sa bawat bagay na makikita at maririnig niya.
Kaya nga pinili ko din na hindi magpakita sa birthday ni rieley, kasi alam ko na pagdating ko dun, wala din naman akong kausap, siyempre hindi naman kami magpapansinan.
I have lots of questions in my mind actually that I choose also to remain silent about it. Kung tapos na, tapos na. Bahala na si Lord. Let destiny takes it course. Ang alam ko lang, one reason why kahit ang daming nangyari hindi ko magawang magalit, its because my 7 years with him is one of the greatest, marami talaga akong natutunan. and hating him would make me hate myself. Kasi yung 7 years na yun, dun ako naging stronger person, natutong magmahal, naging mas open sa iba, naging generous, naging special. and yes, kahit anong mangyari in the future its one of the times I was loved and learned how to love. Talaga naman, kahit yata sa pagtanda ko, all those memories, and him, siguro will always have a special place in my heart.
amen. hehe. =P
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Why sometimes I hate driving
This week was probably a terrible week for drivers, (especially those like me, terribly impatient) because of the loads of freakin traffic and numerous road holes almost freakin everywhere. Vero came in last week for the funeral of her grandpop and is bound for canada tomorrow, she have to meet lots of people in such a short time (extend extend!) I volunteered to drive her to ADMU to meet JP's friend who works in ADMU, going there did not take much long, hapon pa kasi, the bad thing was it rained hard in the North, and time was running out for me, we left ADMU at 5:30pm, and the bad news is I have to get to alabang at 7pm which unfortunately, at around 9pm that friday, I was in SShway calling all the saints, until I became really impatient, I started shouting and cursing much inside my car.
The next day, I almost had to take a boat to school as it was watery down in Manila. I left rather early because I knew I will be having this problem, true enough, it was hell watery. Good thing Manila, on a Saturday Morning is the sweetest, from Paranaque to Manila is barely 30 minutes.
Sunday was again a struggle, to get out of bed. It was super cold and I did not want to get up really, if I was not just thinking I have labor class with Atty. Diloy, I could have covered my face with a pillow and snooze some more.
I was thinking on these instances, if I was commuting, I could have done something to make my travel faster. Sometimes, I think I miss having to ride MRTs going places, besides I dont have to find a suitable parking, I will just stand there, hold on to a pole, and daydream about that hottie a few seats away from me. Or riding a jeep, where I can hear a couple beside me arguing where they'd be having dinner, and on cases wherein there is freaking heavy traffic, I can take an easier route, just like the MRT, where the travel from Taft to the North is barely an hour. Try mong magcar, it will take you 3 hours to Novaliches. Sa MRT, fast lang.
Lastly, tomorrow, Ihahatid ko si Vero sa airport, with gail and rosch. Back 2006, si rosch ang nagdrive kay vero to the airport, kaya hindi niya nahatid si momi vero sa mismong departure area kasi seconds lang dun e. Now, ako naman, so parang hindi ko mahahatid si momi vero until dun sa departure area. Punyeta, ipapark ko talaga, walang baba, magpapark ako. hahahha!
The next day, I almost had to take a boat to school as it was watery down in Manila. I left rather early because I knew I will be having this problem, true enough, it was hell watery. Good thing Manila, on a Saturday Morning is the sweetest, from Paranaque to Manila is barely 30 minutes.
Sunday was again a struggle, to get out of bed. It was super cold and I did not want to get up really, if I was not just thinking I have labor class with Atty. Diloy, I could have covered my face with a pillow and snooze some more.
I was thinking on these instances, if I was commuting, I could have done something to make my travel faster. Sometimes, I think I miss having to ride MRTs going places, besides I dont have to find a suitable parking, I will just stand there, hold on to a pole, and daydream about that hottie a few seats away from me. Or riding a jeep, where I can hear a couple beside me arguing where they'd be having dinner, and on cases wherein there is freaking heavy traffic, I can take an easier route, just like the MRT, where the travel from Taft to the North is barely an hour. Try mong magcar, it will take you 3 hours to Novaliches. Sa MRT, fast lang.
Lastly, tomorrow, Ihahatid ko si Vero sa airport, with gail and rosch. Back 2006, si rosch ang nagdrive kay vero to the airport, kaya hindi niya nahatid si momi vero sa mismong departure area kasi seconds lang dun e. Now, ako naman, so parang hindi ko mahahatid si momi vero until dun sa departure area. Punyeta, ipapark ko talaga, walang baba, magpapark ako. hahahha!
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